With all the other conflicts going on in the world right now, Elon Musk v Jeremy Clarkson is one we could probably safely afford to sit out.I am weak-willed, however, and click through to the story in the Times to test the principle of “my enemy’s enemy is my friend”.Musk is a real villain and Clarkson is just a motormouth, but I suspect the latter – for reasons of basic functionality and the sort of flippant humour with which Musk seems ill-equipped to cope – is capable of getting the better of the world’s richest man, should these latest remarks of Clarkson’s come to his attention.Certainly, Clarkson has upset Musk before, exciting a libel action out of him in 2011 for comments Clarkson made about Tesla on Top Gear.A judge ruled against Musk then, a fact Clarkson is only too happy to remind him about now.

In his Sunday Times column, Clarkson referred to the “pan-global decision to uncrowdfund Tesla”, and took a victory lap around news of Teslas being set on fire and vandalised the world over.“I’d love to remind all you Tesla drivers that I warned you 17 years ago that no good would come of your buying choice,” he wrote in his customary low-key style.“But you didn’t listen.”Musk, as we know, is apoplectic about the hatred being directed towards Tesla right now, as is Donald Trump.Defending his buddy last week, the US president threatened, nonsensically, to send any “sick terrorist thugs” caught vandalising Teslas to “the prisons of El Salvador”.

Clarkson, meanwhile, strove to point out that Musk, once popular on the left for promoting green vehicles, is now targeted by exactly the kind of people Clarkson hates, forcing him to a conclusion I fully support: that my enemy’s enemy is still kind of a jerk.There’s quite enough dislike to go round.It’s a hard video to watch: two RAF engineers caught on CCTV kicking poor old Paddington while he sits blamelessly on a bench in Berkshire.The violence escalates to such a degree that by the end of the assault, there’s nothing of the bear statue left but a hollow, metal shell.I guess at least it speaks to the fitness of the British armed forces.

The incident happened at 2am on a drunken night out this month, and on Tuesday the pair were ordered by a judge to pay £2,725 and do community service.It was the judge’s emotional remarks about the target of their vandalism, however, that made one realise not all criminal damage is equal.The two men had, according to Judge Goozee, attacked “a beloved cultural icon”, that represents “kindness, tolerance and promotes integration and acceptance in our society”.On the night in question, he said, they had behaved in a way that was “the antithesis of everything Paddington stands for”.Which rather makes one hope that the next time someone in those parts rips the wing mirror off a Tesla or otherwise puts the boot into “everything it stands for”, they find themselves appearing before this same, symbolism-minded judge.

The discourse around the Netflix show Adolescence continues to rage and after receiving blanket praise for two weeks, some dissent is starting to show.All the usual caveats first: extraordinary television, brilliant performances, breathtaking vision.Adolescence is smartly and interestingly done, although it remains the case that if every girl who was called an ugly bitch online killed the boy or man who said it, there’d be no men left to make the TV show.The presence of Brad Pitt as an executive producer, meanwhile, rings slight alarm bells.I’m not sure any of us needs the origins of misogyny explained, even tangentially, by a man whose kids have dropped his surname and whose ex-wife has alleged that he abused her.

Pitt does, however, belong to what he has called a “really cool men’s group”, so I’m guessing that his “remarkably hands-on” involvement with the show might have brought to the project valuable insights into the self-victimising process.On the Americans in London social media feeds, people are sharing tips for getting in and out of the US without being cuffed and dragged to a detention centre in Louisiana.“If you plan to go, get a burner phone,” writes one frequent traveller which, blimey, I mean, I guess.Lots of people have popped up to report flying recently through Newark or Miami without incident, but the anxiety is enough to have changed the experience.Flight bookings between Canada and the US are down 70% and US tourist operators are braced for a worldwide downturn.

We’re flying to the US in May and, even as citizens, I’m nervous.Six years ago, while still on a green card, I got the “step this way” nod at JFK and was escorted to the exceedingly grim Congratulations, You Have Problems With Your Paperwork side room, where a woman relieved me of my phone and shouted at me and everyone else in the room to sit down and be quiet.For travellers to the US it seems a sensible precaution to have a lawyer’s number at the ready.I haven’t had to sleep with the hall light on since the Blair Witch Project came out in 1999 – oh man, that was a bad one because my flatmate was away that weekend and after seeing the film, I felt the dank presence of something watching me from the corner of my room.This week a babysitter in Kansas tried to vanquish a child’s fear of monsters under the bed by showing them there was nothing there.

Unfortunately, in this case a 27-year old man called Martin Villalobos Jr was hiding under the bed.After a scuffle that knocked over the child, he was arrested and charged with aggravated battery and child endangerment.A mere externalisation of what, at the moment, we know to be true: the monsters are real.